undeterminable

I played majiong over at brother's place on Friday.
I won the 1st game but lost the 2nd one. =(

Brother drove me home the next morning.
Met David at my house bus stop and proceed to Han's to do the art work.
I miss doing art. When I was doing, I felt tranquil.

He accompanied me to Ritz today.
Finally, I'm back at work.
But working today, I had mixed feeling.
Things changes pretty much there.Insuifficent staffs for banquet, most of them were out for HSBC outside catering.

I saw Adeline, Kai Chi, Thiri, Yumi, Alywine the managers, Su An and Sop Tip today.
I chatted with Thiri and Sop Tip.
We have similiar views, feelings and conclusions on many things. =)
Sop Tip is a very considerate person.
I told him that I am going to Florida, Orlando for attachment and he offered to give me his aunt's contacts so that I have someone to look for in case of emergency there.
So sweet of him.
And his aunt operates Sushi's restaurant so I can go there for Japanese food! =)

In life, everyone seem like everyone else but actually not anyone is someone else.
We are different and are treated differently.
Many people give me the "are you serious look" when they know about it.
But is it because you guys sterotype the person or is it really that way?
I hope I can get rid of it. It is doing no good at all.
Sometimes I feel so lost.
Who am I? What kind of person am I? Just negatives.

ambiguous

I don't know.
Maybe it is just for the moment.
Maybe it is for long.
It feels different now.
The communication method feel familiar.
I tried not to compare.
But it feels like that way.
I can't differentiate.
Things that I want to believe or that is the facts.

I need something.
I need to feel at ease.
I need a new habit.

Truths that I've realised.

I think things are in a clearer picture now.
You already know what is it that keep you hanging.
Not what you thought all the while, but just not used to it.
Uncertainty helps to feign ignorance.
It makes you think less.
It makes you happier.
But look deep into your heart and look at the truth.
Maybe it confused you for awhile and you may worry that it hurts someone else.
But it is better that you found out about it now then later.
It saved you from more regrets.
Or further agony.

I never felt like this before.
Your presence.
I no longer able to withstand.
Breathing the same air as you makes me uncomfortable.
We used to be so close.
I loved the attention and care you once showered me.
But without trust.
There isn't anything else I can say.
It has been long enough.
You know me all my life.
I tried to think of your goodness.
But it happened so long ago.
Little thoughts and actions are enough to satisfy me.
But, it never enough for you.
I think there isn't much I can do.
I did before.
Many approaches.
But the problem is always there.
I tried too many times.
Others tried too.
Now I understand why did the rest give up.
Because, I gave up too.
I don't know how long this will last.
But at this moment, it made me feel worst about your kind.
Does all of you from the same gender behave such a way?
I may be stereotyping, but this is what I have seen.
This is what I have been through.

Don't blame me for the who I have evolve to.
You made me this way.
For this moment, I don't know what else I can do.

Born with it.

I think, I am born with it.
Childhood has never been the same as any other kid.
I never had a barbie doll nor a toy I call mine.
Sadly to say, my bro had an expensive shoes while not me.
He had sega games, ps2, disc man which I never had one.
He had ninja turtle and power ranger toys that I never had.
Maybe because I have a sister, I should have things passed down to me.
I only had babe the pig toy from dad when I was primary 2.
It was a free gift from the petrol station though.
But I still have it with me.
He will never know how much I cherish it.

Children used to have childhood with playground, toys and happy meal.
The childhood I always envy others.
While, I had to be helping out with dad's biz since primary school.
It is a duty to do it as his children.
Things have been happening when I was in primary 5 and 6.
It continued in sec 1 and 2.
I will never forget those "incidents" that scared to me to tears and drive me to study crazily.
I was given cash to go and buy my own birthday cake and collect it myself.

I love you, I really do.
But you all will never know how much I love and wish to talk to you.
I cherish you with all my heart that you will never know.
There was times you pampered me
The sailormoon bag and clothes.
The power ranger sticker book.
The very 1st strawberry ice cream you bought for me from Andersen Ice Cream from Marina Square.
That is when I fall in love with strawberry ice cream.
The support I received when I get my O level results.
The rewards both of you gave me with good results.
The support and encouragement I get when I switched course.
The thoughts that mom remember my birthday.
The only kisses I get from you two on the Christmas 2 years ago.
The HK school trip and shopping spree you gave me.
The reluctance but giving from you when you know that I'm attached.
The hugs I get from both of you when I break up.
The reluctant driving lessons you paid.

You did so much for me..I do love you two.
But I don't know how I ever tell you that.
Though I have been quiet and less interactive and more rebellious towards you.
And I do know that you love me just that you don't express it.
I don't know how to manage myself anymore.
I don't know how can I live up to your expectations anymore.
I'm losing myself. I don't know who am I, what am I anymore.