Born with it.

I think, I am born with it.
Childhood has never been the same as any other kid.
I never had a barbie doll nor a toy I call mine.
Sadly to say, my bro had an expensive shoes while not me.
He had sega games, ps2, disc man which I never had one.
He had ninja turtle and power ranger toys that I never had.
Maybe because I have a sister, I should have things passed down to me.
I only had babe the pig toy from dad when I was primary 2.
It was a free gift from the petrol station though.
But I still have it with me.
He will never know how much I cherish it.

Children used to have childhood with playground, toys and happy meal.
The childhood I always envy others.
While, I had to be helping out with dad's biz since primary school.
It is a duty to do it as his children.
Things have been happening when I was in primary 5 and 6.
It continued in sec 1 and 2.
I will never forget those "incidents" that scared to me to tears and drive me to study crazily.
I was given cash to go and buy my own birthday cake and collect it myself.

I love you, I really do.
But you all will never know how much I love and wish to talk to you.
I cherish you with all my heart that you will never know.
There was times you pampered me
The sailormoon bag and clothes.
The power ranger sticker book.
The very 1st strawberry ice cream you bought for me from Andersen Ice Cream from Marina Square.
That is when I fall in love with strawberry ice cream.
The support I received when I get my O level results.
The rewards both of you gave me with good results.
The support and encouragement I get when I switched course.
The thoughts that mom remember my birthday.
The only kisses I get from you two on the Christmas 2 years ago.
The HK school trip and shopping spree you gave me.
The reluctance but giving from you when you know that I'm attached.
The hugs I get from both of you when I break up.
The reluctant driving lessons you paid.

You did so much for me..I do love you two.
But I don't know how I ever tell you that.
Though I have been quiet and less interactive and more rebellious towards you.
And I do know that you love me just that you don't express it.
I don't know how to manage myself anymore.
I don't know how can I live up to your expectations anymore.
I'm losing myself. I don't know who am I, what am I anymore.

Let it out.

I worked on sunday.
I put up a happy fascade that I have been fine and happy.

It was great I think.
Work till 3am, with my head spinning due to the insufficient sleep the entire week made me fall asleep easily.

It has been a problem all the while. Once again, on Sunday, this problem surface again. Since I was born, expectation was built onto me. The definitions and expectations of how your children will be is always within your perspectives. I have always been expected to be the obedient one out of the 3. I have to be the one who excel in studies, who have to help out in the family business. I know it has always been helping out in the family business = filial piety to you all. I have to study, unlike your perfect little filial son that has been always helping out at home have nothing else to do othe than serving his NS.
For goodness sake. I have a rough time these few weeks.
Emotionally and physically.
Now that I have 3 tests coming but to you all, just that helping out at home is important, that I ain't contributing much into the family.
But have you ever spare a thought how hard is it to study in Singapore? Have you ever wonder what have I been busy doing? Have you ever wonder have I recovered from those pain I suffered? Have you ever wonder why did I want to work?
It is because getting money from you it is like cutting your flesh.
Even though, I'm fucking drained from school, you all don't even bothered.
I have so much so much things on hands that I have to do.

You tell me that I'm stubborn, not willing to listen to your remarks. I had explained to you the situation many times, so many times. I proved to you and you just feel that I'm a bad daughter, am I the stubborn one or you are?
There is never a single solution to a problem.
There is never the correct one, but people just tend to do their own judgement and pass it as the "correct solution".
But is the "correct decision" is the best choice?
I don't think they ever know because their only think they are always right.

If I can do it, I'll do it if it is within my capabilities. But everyone has their own commitments too. You have your business to take care of while I do have my studies to concentrate on. Sometimes you treat me nice, sometimes you treat me bad, I no longer know who am I to you. A stranger with blood relation perharps? I know I am a dumb dumb, not listening to your advice and found loads of problems to myself.
I am thankful that you have always been supportive with my decisions and have always been there when I fall and hurt myself.

I used to love the attention from you, I used to enjoy talking to you.
But things changes slowly without signs.
I no longer know how can I communicate to you.
I no longer feel like a daughter to you.
I just want to run away and hide.
I just want to disappear and no one hears my scream.
Things change so fast that I lost track.
I no longer know myself, I no longer know who am I.


So what my birthday is coming?
It is a insignificant date to everyone else.

Tiring week

Well, it has been a tiring week for me. This whole week, there are many make up lessons and I ended up having lesson 4 days at 9am and 1 day lesson at 10am.
My god. So not used to it.
I don't know know those 3rd year students can make it through.

I watched Made of Honour yesterday. Thanks for the strawberry pocky. It is damn ex la but very nice. =X

Great company, great movie. I has been awhile since I have teared watching a movie.
Yea, I teared a little. Not those noisily crying. I don't do that.

There are international cross cultural studies presentation and financial management accounting test tml.
And 3 more tests next week:
1) Internet application for hospitality industry
2) Essential retail studies
3) Hosplitality, resort and leisure industry.
My god.
After holiday, there are more presentations, projects and tests..grrr.

Well, at least I'll be able to enjoy the 2 week holiday and my birthday.

Life is getting interesting.=)

Mon and tues were boring. Lesson started at 9am on both days and worst, today, it ended at 6pm.
I had good food these 2days. Monday I had baked rice at pizza with the girls and chill at coffee bean after that. Tues, though my breakfast was egg muffin meal bt my dinner was good!
I met Ned and Serene to have the polos changed. Serene and I headed for dinner. We ordered Kimchi ramen and have a side of spicy pork to go with. Awww..the cold and rainy weather made the dinner taste so much better.
Good food and good company.
Her company is always good. =)
We chatted all the way since we met and even bought durian pan cake to eat..nice. =)
Hahas..she says she will chiong work with me.
There is me there is her there isn't me, there isn't her.
Hahas..

I want to go US Disneyland, Orlando for attachment!
It will be my yr3 april to set off.
6months attachment with Disneyland staying over their apartment.
The pay will be $7 per hour with about minimum 30-40hours a week.
8hours of school a day each week at a university there, studying 4 relevant modules plus ungergo exams.
Ahh..the only turn off is to pay abt $13k to go and maybe we will earn back abt $8k or $9k in Disneyland.
I'll strive hard and go with the clique.
We are on don't we?=)
Save up so that we can go to the beaches there, go there and splurge a little on shopping! =)

I'll be watching movie tomorrow. Finally, I get to enjoy. =)

hahas..26th May,At least I can say that I did that once in my life. I'm still young, it worth the shot doesn't it?

I AM ME!

I have been reading. Reading alot here and there.

I realised I am not the only one who had tried, sacrified, worried and tried compromising so much. Knowing that break up will be a good solution but the pain of the heart breaking hurt so badly that you can't even breathe. There are many people out there especially my female friends around me are suffering this.
I don't know why, but when someone compromises, it has been taken for granted and when that person no longer able to give in more, does that makes the person a bad girlfriend? When one keeps giving, the other kept enjoying that the other party no longer give.Seriously, no expectation leads to no disappointment. But with expectation there is where we can find happiness in them. But what is the point, it needs two hand to clap.
Fuck.
This is my side of story, you can find out the other side.
But it doesn't matter to me anymore.

I know it has been a few weeks but its shadow have been tailing me.
At work, it is great working with friends I know.
BUT PLEASE! I AM KIM! NOT SOMEONE ELSE GIRLFRIEND!
WE ARE OVER.
WE ARE JUST FRIEND!
I am capable of who I am, I don't need such connection to prove my capablility.
I am glad to have my new found friends.
Thanks for lending me a listening ear and please help me to spread the message that I am sick and tired of explaining where is his whereabouts.

I know I shouldn't be complaining these but I think I have been putting a front long enough.
Act as if it doesn't matter. I know I am strong, but please I need time.

I hope this is the last time I'm mentioning my relationship.
Because, the next one will be long long time later.

Believe me, I'll come back strong. I will be who I am.

*I know you cares for me, been there for me. But don't always tell me what I should do or what I shouldn't do. Telling me what is right or wrong is not just judge by you..there is thinking in me to know what I want to do. It is not me who don't want to spend happy time but maybe because I don't have such a good crowd of friends always there no matter when.*

Friday.

In the afternoon, met Serene for lunch before work.
It never been a moment of boredom with her..hahas..
Work started at 2pm on Friday and I ended work at 12am.
I was working under Fabian today, 5 staffs to 4 tables that had only 23guests..lucky day for us.=D
Working with Fabian was good. Hahas..we can gossips and no stress working with him.

When work ended, the east people asked me to go to Tampines to eat supper with them..hahas..it has been long since I go there and it was so far la..
Hahas..They asked me why did I stay so far? But where is the starting point to began with?Hahas..Next time eh..next time I'll have supper with them..=)

I had supper. Not as if we both are hungry, but just wanna to chill out and talk. We walked from Ritz to Paragon. Chilling at coffee bean, drinking latte.

the day.

Things didn't went well today at driving. Another attempt is needed.
I don't know what the hell went wrong neither why do I have that kind of mix feelings in me.

I went to meet the rest today, it fun mixing with them though I am the newest in the clique.
Alittle left out at the gathering today but it's fine..I'm there as a friend, not as a friend's girlfriend. The feeling of recognition is good.
The meal was super filling. I didn't manage to finish the rice..hahas..it is usual now that I only eat a bit more than half for 1 or 2 meals a day.
Oh ya, thanks for the ride home, do take care eh.=)

Today, is like the first time I don't feel awkward alone. Alone sitting at the Coffee Bean, surfing the net, doing project and listening to songs.
I think I'm fine dating myself..It is good that way. =)

D, thanks for the food stuffs. You are nearly the 2nd person who travelled from the east to nyp to pass me sweet stuffs and go home..hahas..lucky you are there to do some conditioning in school. If not I'll be real guilty.
Thanks..=)