11th July.

A month after my birthday.

I studied till late on Friday morning, slept about 2am or 3am to prepare for FMA test.
I reached school about 10am to do some revision for the test with Peiling and Sylvia.

I didn't manage to finish the test. I know how to do it, just a bad management of time.
I'm sadded. Haiz.

School was till 3.30pm.
I took a 30minutes nap before preparing for Aldrin's chalet.

I am officially broke for the week.
So I ate a little dinner before heading down to bishan to meet Cherlyn.
We cabbed to fetch Sam and head down to the chalet.

When we arrived, I felt weird there.
I don't know how should I feel being there but I tried my best to be comfortable, after all it's his chalet. Not mine. Hahas..so of course there are many people I don't know too.

Cherlyn went for to celebrate someone else birthday and left me and Sam there.
We were like chatting and crapping the whole time.
When we came back, no one was bbbq-ing so Sam and I decided to do some bbq-ing.
I didn't realise my bbq skills are not that bad, the chicken wings are nice, cooked and not burnt!

I actually wanted to go up to the room and sleep. I was freaking tired already since 1am plus. So Sam was telling the guys that I am off to bed, so asking if they want to drink.
I had 2 glasses of appletini with sprit. It was light and not very strong alcohol taste, not that bad actually. =)
But I cannot tahan already. I am really tired, so I went up to sleep.
When it was time to go, I woke up, went down to the toilet and when I'm done, I can't stand up.
Hahas, I don't know why.
Maybe I drank with my stomach empty and I went to lie down.
But I managed to walk all the way to the taxi. =)

When I was about to alight from the cab, Shaik offered to send me home but I told him I am fine making my way home.
Once I alighted, I couldn't walk properly and I started to vomit.
Shaik alighted from the cab to offer me tissue and even sent me home.

It was the first time I vomited due to drinking and this time, I didn't even drink a lot.
It has been so long since I last vomited, drinking plus my motion sickness = vomiting.
My throat burnt but after vomiting, I feel so much better. =)

I appreciated you getting me my favourite ice cream.
I actually wanted to eat it when they bought it but I was busy bbqing and I left it in the fridge.
It is not as if I don't like it becuase you bought it, it is just the time and opportunity involved.
Actually I was very tired, I had a long day.
I wanted to sleep so drinking made me more sleepy.
I drank because I was chilling with my friends.
And appletini smelt so nice and I wanted to try it.
I forgotten that lying down once you drink will heighten the alcohol effect.
So I had myself into that state.
I'm sorry, it's your birthday celebration and I screwed your mood.
I'll think twice before going down the next time.

swirl

Today we had a ritz gang's dinner at the industrial area.
Good food with tom yam soup, vegetables, fried sotong, fried fish in thai style, chicken and chilli prawns. Just have to pay $10 for the sumptous meal.
Today's company include: Leonard, Leon, Wei Quan, Square, Simon, Lynette, Andrew, Jie Wen, VK, Wee Kiat, Pong, Chew Hung, Lian Yin and I.
After dinner 13 of us proceed to Northpoint to chill while Wei Quan went off to meet his friends.
Good chilling company!
I will definitely miss those that went off to army.
Sometimes I'm a litlle not used to not having them calling me auntie.
Hahas..Many of them not working already. =(

Grrr. Someone flied my plane. Not once but a few times.
So maybe I won't have a movie date for long.
Anyone else want to date me out for a movie?

Somehow I started to dislike promises.
There are so many that I heard before and made to me.
How many are fulfilled?
I don't like it when people cannot practise what they preach?
It happened so often.
From young till now.
People who stay in my life or those who have move on, many had made empty promises.

I don't know why I said that.
Or all those I said.
I know that it will somehow upset you.
I don't know what I can do to have you experience the minimal pain.
I felt bad.

Grr. Feel so helpless in these situations I'm in.
Seeing people suffering in pain, people I love but there is nothing I can do.
I always thought I am in control, but I'm not.
Thought that doing things the selfish ways to make myself feel better, but it doesn't.
I am still worried about others.
Am I a bad figure having people going through what they go through?
Did I play a part too?
Am I mean to have my own stand, believe and things I want to achieve where it may not be any thing beneficial to others?

Nothing much at all.

I feel so transparent at somewhere so familiar.
The expectations from me were high.
Or they were once there and now, they are no longer there?
Am I known to them?
Am I still exist to them?
What more can I do?
I'm already at my limitations.
I feel like I'm fighting a war at the losing end.
Can I just let go and slip into darkness?
Can I just dug a hole and sink myself in?
Can I just ran away and hide away forever?

How many children do you have?
2.
Oh no, 3.
Maybe I'm such an accident.
Why am I fucking bother about Family when they don't fucking bother about me unless they want something from me.
They needed my service, they see me.
If not, only their precious son is in their eyes.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I felt anger. Sorrow. Disappointment. Jealousy. Helpless but not love.
This is my only channel to vent out my frustrations.
When will they know what have I been through?
Oh right, they won't be bothered.

What the fuck is wrong with everything.
I tried my best to look at things in a different light.
How much longer can I conceal.
Maybe this is the best way to learn independent and self reliance.

He and they won.
I pronounced them the winners.
And I am just a dummy.
A backup tool, that is useful once awhile.

I just want to let go.
Slip into darkness.
And there won't be any emotions and troubles for me to bear anymore.

Frustrations

Buying this handphone seem to be a wrong decision.
The singtel plan sucks.
The handphone has so much problems and it wasn't cybershot. =(
I have to go through so much troubles solving all these.

Met up with Leon in the noon to borrow his spare handphone as mine is goin to the service center.
I alighted at Orchard while he headed to Beach Road to meet Leonard.
I wanted to go alone to the service center but Drin offered his company.
I met him and made our way to service centre.
After that, we had lunch, went to singtel to do my complaint of my inactive IDD caller.
Went over to Starbucks to study and awhile later he left for his grandma's birthday celebration.

I was there alone continued my research for my retail studies but I left for home before 9pm, too hungry.
But guess what?
No dinner.
Yesterday and today. Mum cooked but there isn't much left over.
So, I am stubborn enough not eating anything too.
Don't know why, but I just felt angry over it.
There is always good and sufficient food mum would cook when brother comes home for dinner. But does it means staying at home, I don't deserve to eat?
Maybe.

Grrr.. Today I had a stir at home.
Fuck sial. I thought he has grown up, him being in army and getting marry, I thought he should be so much more sensible.
But no, he is still love to compare sister with him and I.
Claiming that he is a fucking filial son that do good boot licking in front of daddy while I just do what I can do silently.
Being a leo, he is such a show off and braggart to make sure he is the best child they have.

My life is in a deep mess.
Most things are pretty screwed up.
I need to analyse, rearrange and plan them out.
I have enough problems of myself and don't have to add on more of others to mine.
I have no intention to make any decision for anyone other than myself.
Now, I have my stand and things I have to focus on.
I wish you luck.
But I need it more for myself.

=D

People, I finally have a tag board.
So feel free to tag when you all misses me!
Hahas..more changes will be coming up but I'm tired already. =X

Anyone can help me or teach me how to load song into blogger.com?
=X

worn

I had a long night yesterday.
School was at 10am.
1pm to 6pm was project and I headed down to city hall.
Gene was late.

So when he arrived, we went to get take away from KFC and some squid beard.
We went to sit around esplanade, hearing the national day rehearsal, picinicing under the stars.
Hahas..that was something I want to do long ago, it was supposed to be something romantic, and doing with some one you fancy but with him..hahas..just made me laugh.

But the catch up session was good.
We were chatted, laughed and joke about those people who were there. =X
The interesting about esplanade, as the day become darker, the more people there will be there?
It was like a crowd big enough for a party to get going.
Hahas..Weird.

It was time to go, I felt the change of my body temperature.
Cold, hot and cold again.
When I stand up, my vision blacked out.
Forehead was cold.

The journey home was hard. I felt as if I was drunk and I couldn't judge my vision well.
I managed to get home safely and awhile later, I'm sleeping like a log.

*Come on people.
It is one and the half month struggle.
From now to exam.
Projects, ,tutorials, tests, quiz, deadlines, presentations and examinations.
Persevere all the way.*

What the fuck I'm doing.
Let it go and focus on your study.
High expectation for others,
but higher for myself.
Stopped venting your anger and expect everyone in your pace.
Don't dance them around your fingers like puppets.
Live my own life the way I planned.

Screwed my body.

Family problems never subside.
Is there an alternative that I can do?
What is the right way?
I know, they is never a right way.

I finished my tutorials at 2am last night.
Did my dad's accounting for the month of June. Abt 15 companies.
By the time I was done with typing and printing, it was already 4.30am.

I know I needed a minumum of 4hours of sleep if not I will definitely overslept.
But by the time I lay on my bed, it was 5am.
I have to wake up at 8am for the school at 9am.

I managed to not to be late = I slept for only 3hours.
I had diarrohea plus gastrics in the morning, running to the toilet a few times. Grrr..
I had a bomb prata and a hot milo for breakfast.

I had marketing hospitality project from 3-6.30pm today.
Before project I had chicken maccroni and I thought my tummy was fine.
But gastrics happened again when I went to Hello! at AMKHub about 8.30pm after reaching home awhile.
I wanted to sleep once I'm home.
But due to my dear brother, he dragged on the porting of my old mobile number from Starhub to Singtel for a month. Now, I had to pay for both bills. Grrr.

Luckily Lina picked me up from AMKHub and drove me to return my library books.
Great, I forgotten to return one of it. Grr..I have to go back again.
It was so so over due. =X

After she drove Alywine to Nee Soon Camp (just behind our estate), we headed home.
Talking to her, this persistent problem has been happening for long.
For her, 4 years.
It has alot of impacts on her, it has made her from recovery and slide back into darkness.

Her story was slightly similar to mine.
Talking to heri is like she is my reflection.
Facing my problem, my history all over again.
I'm just slightly lucky, It was shorter.
Memories as much.
But I know what I want.
Mind over heart.
I am determine and stubborn enough to make it the way I want it.

I talked to her till 11pm.
It has been long since I talked to her.
Darling, no matter what, I'm here for you.
Just look for me..4 houses away.
I'll be there for you.

I have to go to bed soon.
I have been surviving on 3hours of sleep.
Before that, I'm eating crabs! =X
I can never resist seafood. =X

I know, I have been sleeping after 3am every day for 4 weeks.
Sleeping time like 4am, 5am or even 7am.
Sleeping like 3 to 6hours each time.
I know I have been eating irregular meals.
I'll rest to take care of my body.
But there is so much to do, so little time.
I'll..I'll try my best.

I need sleep.