Chiong ah!

Hahas..Wednesday, 27 August 08.
I'm back to chiong work to pay off my bills and wants!
People..work okay? keep me company! Hahas..
As the same time, it is a good way to ignore things that you don't wish to think for the moment..=)

CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG!
I'm going to work non- stop.

those were the days

When can this come to an end?
When can he understand?
When can things work out?
It has been 3 weeks i have last spoken a word to him.
It still aches when I thought of that night.
Thoughts came rushing through my head.
Memories of me when I was young till now.
His good, his bad.
Experiences so much under his love.
A different kind of love expression he use i guess.
I do love him, but how can things turn better?
He is stubborn, maybe this is where i inherit this trait in me.

How can we display love in a peaceful and less hurtful way?
I miss the times when you...
hold my hands while we shopped at thomson plaza.
tickle me when I slept in van when I do delivery with you.
bought me that andersen strawberry ice cream cone from marina square, telling how delicious it was when didn't even try it at all.
waited every night after my tuition during O'levels just to fetch me home every night.
and mum kiss me on my cheeks on christmas.
allow me to go HK trip with school to enhance my course knowledge.
allow me to work when you actually dislike us to.
hugged me when I had a major break up.
fork out your time just to bring me to pray.

But all these memories seem so far away.
So far away.
I can hardly grasp them.
Do they really belong to me?
dad, I miss the soft side of you.
I hate the cold and uncaring of you.
I am afraid of that side of you.
I am..afraid.

Wishlist to go.

Finally.
It is over.
MY EXAM IS OVER!
HOLIDAY IS HERE TO STAY!! =D

All 4 papers seemed fine. I'm just a little worry for my FMA paper.
Hope at least I have a minimal grade of C+. =X
For all papers, I really did my very best to do well for my exams.
May the best luck and wishes be with me.. =)

Most probably I'll be working very often during this holiday.
ANYONE WILL BE MY WORKING KHAKI?!
I have a wishlist of things I want for this holiday:
- Pay off my driving lessons.
- My driving license ( I want it badly)
- Get through the Disney's interview.
- Pay off to MJ's bank (for the clique graduation trip to Taiwan)
- Hair cut + highlight ( any suggestion for colours?)
- Digital camera ( so that I can take good pictures if I manage to go Disney Orlando for attachment)
- Half of a new wardrobe ( not greedy to change everything =X)
>>New tops, shorts, skirts, DRESSES, shirts and many many more.
- 2 designer leather sling and shoulder bags ( preferably light brown or burgandy red)
- Pumps
- Ballerina flats
- Heels
- Slippers from num(black, red and brown)
- Finish reading twilight, new moon, eclipse and breaking dawn. ( but shuhui's has to lend me the very 1st book 1st..hahas)
- Get tanned
- Do loads of exercise + lose weight + tone the muscles
- Long necklace (with vintage ornaments)
- Chunky Necklace ( with a single pendant)

So much I want to own.
Since I pay for my own purchase, I need to work doubly hard this holiday.

But dear people, feel free to date me out!
A week or 2 week advance booking is advise.
So that I can free that day exclusive for you! =)

numb

I seldom post about my last relationship.
Is it because the pain is unbearable or I just want to safekeep it as memories?

I was thinking to myself.
Why am I the way I am now.

I realised that I had undergo too much pain and disappointment.
People whom I trusted had misused them or doubted me.

I did my best in whatever I do.
But it had turned out differently.

Do you know the pain I undergo?
It stabbed into me many times. Too many.
The pain is worse than the one you are feeling.
It is so bad that I am numb now.
The trust that I have given you were misused many times.
I never lie to you.
I never distrust you.
I gave myself wholeheartedly to you.
I did things that I never did for others to you.
Things that my siblings were surprised that I'll do it for a guy.
The one I came out of my house at 4am.
The one I hugged in the cold while he was drunk.
The one that I ran in the rain for.
The one that I was reprimanded by my parents many times.
You are the first that I have the courage to present you to my parents.

The beginning was sweet. Very sweet.
I thought to myself: I was the luckiest girl on earth.
Everything was bliss.
Breaking up with you never ross my mind.
The thought of me leaving you aches.

Things that you did that upset me, I always never blame you.
I just think that you are just tired, or you had a bad day.
Reasons of your bad are easily found and I do appreciate your good.
I tried my best to be understanding.
I seldom throw my temper at you.
How many times you see me getting angry?
There are times you used me as an excuse to stay out late.
There are times you want me to lie and cover up for you.
For you, though I hate to lie, I did my best to let you get away with it.
I did my best to accommodate with whatever you want.
But the promises we had, many ain't fulfilled.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

I know I wasn't a great girlfriend afterall.
If I were why did we break up?
I am a demanding person.
I demand too much I guess.
Maybe I wasn't sensitive enough.
Maybe I am really a bad girlfriend.

In my eyes, I never emphasize your flaws.
I used to see it in others but I realised that everyone has it.
It is not that bad like plague.
It is just how someone views and interprets it.

After the break up and my family issues.
I am sick and tired of holding on and working out things.
Many things have left me unappreciated and misunderstood.

I need and I want to learn to be selfish.
I just want to protect myself from the hurting.
It affects onyl me and not upsetting anyone else.
I no longer able to trust guys anymore.
Unless they are the ones who are really close to me.
I can't expose myself to anyone anymore.
Iadmit that I am timid.
I can't trust anymore.
The agony, the misery, the suffering that I had undergo.
It hurts too much.
So much that i'm numb.

You may feel that you did a lot.
I did not deny your effort either.
True, I am seeing how long you can substain.
Things usually sweet at first when you want it.
But when you have it, soon it will be taken for granted.
Time will tell.
Patience and sincerity may be shown.
Put yourself in my shoes sometimes.
Spare a little thought for me.
There are too many things that had happened.
I had scarred past.
I can't possibly trust others, lack alone committing myself in a relationship.
The things you wanted, you have to earn it.
Be it love or trust.
It was given to you many times in the past.
But you have to earn them now as you lost them.

Somehow you make me feels as if you are deperately wanting things to work your way.
You don't get together with someone before you establish the trust.
You only get together with him after you trust him, after you feel that you will be safe in his hands.

You did not put yourself in my shoes.
Sparing a thought of the past and how hard it is for me to heal and trust.
It feels that you love yourself so much more.
If I were to find a guy to take care of me, I'll want him to love me more than he love himself.
Are you like that?
However, if you want things to work the way you want it. I am sorry.
There is nothing much I can give you now.
I'm a defected product.
I haven't found a way to make myself to feel emotions again.
I'm numbed by pain.
I haven't found a way to trust guy again.
It hasn't been easy.
I still experience pain when I think back of the past.
Maybe I'm not worth people putting in such extensive effort in me.
But healing and waiting for a damaged person is not for the faint hearted people i guess.
Agony has devoured the good memories and left me tattered with the bad ones.
It will take a long time to recovery I guessed.
For me to heal, to trust or to commit myself in a relationship.
I don't even know if I can accept you or even any other guy again.
Maybe all your effort and time will be wasted.
If you have no patience, no sincerity and you love yourself more than anyone else; you can give up now.
Or maybe, you have given up already.

Revision week

Revision week now.
Been busy doing revision.
Brain is exhausted when I reached home every night.

Still have 3 more modules notes to do..=(
Friday at 4pm is my 1st paper, on my brother's birthday. =(
But I'm having steamboat on friday.
Good food of mum's preparation allows me to replenish my energy for the further road ahead. =D

I will be studying alone tommorrow.
Any companion?Hahas..
Jia you.
Jia you.
Jia you.

When exam is over, I can do what I want to do.
The clubbing, the working, the driving, the shopping, the tanning, the exercising. =D

Truths that I've realised.

I think things are in a clearer picture now.
You already know what is it that keep you hanging.
Not what you thought all the while, but just not used to it.
Uncertainty helps to feign ignorance.
It makes you think less.
It makes you happier.
But look deep into your heart and look at the truth.
Maybe it confused you for awhile and you may worry that it hurts someone else.
But it is better that you found out about it now then later.
It saved you from more regrets.
Or further agony.

I never felt like this before.
Your presence.
I no longer able to withstand.
Breathing the same air as you makes me uncomfortable.
We used to be so close.
I loved the attention and care you once showered me.
But without trust.
There isn't anything else I can say.
It has been long enough.
You know me all my life.
I tried to think of your goodness.
But it happened so long ago.
Little thoughts and actions are enough to satisfy me.
But, it never enough for you.
I think there isn't much I can do.
I did before.
Many approaches.
But the problem is always there.
I tried too many times.
Others tried too.
Now I understand why did the rest give up.
Because, I gave up too.
I don't know how long this will last.
But at this moment, it made me feel worst about your kind.
Does all of you from the same gender behave such a way?
I may be stereotyping, but this is what I have seen.
This is what I have been through.

Don't blame me for the who I have evolve to.
You made me this way.
For this moment, I don't know what else I can do.

whatever.

I'm left with HRL presentation on Friday.
Going to school tml for HRL lecture, then do presentation and we will be off to movie!
Hahas..it has been so long since the 5 of us catch movie together. =)

Yesterday, I watched Dark Knight with Des.
Thanks to him, keep telling me the next scene will be.
Spoilt quite a lot of exciting part for me as I'm tempted to ask him. =.=
Next time I shan't watch a movie that you have watch already.

If you asked, I will tell you.
But will you believe the truth or you just want the lies?
You already have your own set of thinking towards me.
whatever I said, does it make any sense to you?
I'm sick and tired of it.
What you say may be right..but is it the best for me?
You always force your thinking on me, but have you consider my feelings and thoughts?
You are being selfish.
You sound likeyou care.
You do things you think it reflects your concern.
Please, I'm your daughter, not your pet.
If you already has your own thinking and has no regard for the truth, I'll let it be, I'll no longer explain anything to you.