numb

I seldom post about my last relationship.
Is it because the pain is unbearable or I just want to safekeep it as memories?

I was thinking to myself.
Why am I the way I am now.

I realised that I had undergo too much pain and disappointment.
People whom I trusted had misused them or doubted me.

I did my best in whatever I do.
But it had turned out differently.

Do you know the pain I undergo?
It stabbed into me many times. Too many.
The pain is worse than the one you are feeling.
It is so bad that I am numb now.
The trust that I have given you were misused many times.
I never lie to you.
I never distrust you.
I gave myself wholeheartedly to you.
I did things that I never did for others to you.
Things that my siblings were surprised that I'll do it for a guy.
The one I came out of my house at 4am.
The one I hugged in the cold while he was drunk.
The one that I ran in the rain for.
The one that I was reprimanded by my parents many times.
You are the first that I have the courage to present you to my parents.

The beginning was sweet. Very sweet.
I thought to myself: I was the luckiest girl on earth.
Everything was bliss.
Breaking up with you never ross my mind.
The thought of me leaving you aches.

Things that you did that upset me, I always never blame you.
I just think that you are just tired, or you had a bad day.
Reasons of your bad are easily found and I do appreciate your good.
I tried my best to be understanding.
I seldom throw my temper at you.
How many times you see me getting angry?
There are times you used me as an excuse to stay out late.
There are times you want me to lie and cover up for you.
For you, though I hate to lie, I did my best to let you get away with it.
I did my best to accommodate with whatever you want.
But the promises we had, many ain't fulfilled.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

I know I wasn't a great girlfriend afterall.
If I were why did we break up?
I am a demanding person.
I demand too much I guess.
Maybe I wasn't sensitive enough.
Maybe I am really a bad girlfriend.

In my eyes, I never emphasize your flaws.
I used to see it in others but I realised that everyone has it.
It is not that bad like plague.
It is just how someone views and interprets it.

After the break up and my family issues.
I am sick and tired of holding on and working out things.
Many things have left me unappreciated and misunderstood.

I need and I want to learn to be selfish.
I just want to protect myself from the hurting.
It affects onyl me and not upsetting anyone else.
I no longer able to trust guys anymore.
Unless they are the ones who are really close to me.
I can't expose myself to anyone anymore.
Iadmit that I am timid.
I can't trust anymore.
The agony, the misery, the suffering that I had undergo.
It hurts too much.
So much that i'm numb.

You may feel that you did a lot.
I did not deny your effort either.
True, I am seeing how long you can substain.
Things usually sweet at first when you want it.
But when you have it, soon it will be taken for granted.
Time will tell.
Patience and sincerity may be shown.
Put yourself in my shoes sometimes.
Spare a little thought for me.
There are too many things that had happened.
I had scarred past.
I can't possibly trust others, lack alone committing myself in a relationship.
The things you wanted, you have to earn it.
Be it love or trust.
It was given to you many times in the past.
But you have to earn them now as you lost them.

Somehow you make me feels as if you are deperately wanting things to work your way.
You don't get together with someone before you establish the trust.
You only get together with him after you trust him, after you feel that you will be safe in his hands.

You did not put yourself in my shoes.
Sparing a thought of the past and how hard it is for me to heal and trust.
It feels that you love yourself so much more.
If I were to find a guy to take care of me, I'll want him to love me more than he love himself.
Are you like that?
However, if you want things to work the way you want it. I am sorry.
There is nothing much I can give you now.
I'm a defected product.
I haven't found a way to make myself to feel emotions again.
I'm numbed by pain.
I haven't found a way to trust guy again.
It hasn't been easy.
I still experience pain when I think back of the past.
Maybe I'm not worth people putting in such extensive effort in me.
But healing and waiting for a damaged person is not for the faint hearted people i guess.
Agony has devoured the good memories and left me tattered with the bad ones.
It will take a long time to recovery I guessed.
For me to heal, to trust or to commit myself in a relationship.
I don't even know if I can accept you or even any other guy again.
Maybe all your effort and time will be wasted.
If you have no patience, no sincerity and you love yourself more than anyone else; you can give up now.
Or maybe, you have given up already.