can you spare a thought for me?

Why am I the one always worry for things and try my best to make sure things will work at the end of the day?

I am tired,exhausted and stressed.
I slept at 3am on friday morining and attended reached school at 10.30am for project.
I went to work and slept at 5.30am on saturday.
I woke up at 12plus to go to work and slept at 7.30am on sunday morning.
I slept at 4am this morning and reached school at 9.30am.

Why must school work and family matters always come together?
I really have alot of things on my hand to do.
I needed to get them done but no one fucking understand me!!

I am tired of going through this all over again and again and again and again.

I am fucking sick and tired!!!

Yes, you did your part as a brother, you help me when I need you most.
Didn't I help you out, when you ask me too?
If I can, I did it for you.
Fuck.
I was preparing for test, tutorials and presentation when you ask me to help out the business.
I did my part.
But I am fucking tired and I had a ica presentation tml.

Many times.
Many times I slept late doing dad's accounts, helping out at home ended doing my school work late.
Many times you want me to help you out with the delivery and ended up alighting me somewhere quite a distance from the place you promised to alight me. I didn't complain.
Does it means being nice should always fucking be taken advantage off?!
Yet, you always expect good grades from me.
Telling me relationship will affect studies, but your way of making me part of your business isn't making it worse?

I needed money, can you help me?
You won't, telling me how much you had spend on the house yet I work you complaint that I work outside.
What the fuck you want from me?
Why can't you fucking understand me?
You always claim that you help me, but I did my part as your sister, I did something too.
Or many things.
Or to you, helping me out needed a favour to return and whatever I do, the favour can never be return.

Can't I be fucking selfish once awhile.
Sparing thoughts for people are so tiring.
I do it for others.
Who are there to spare a thought for me?

Many times, I wished that I do not exist that i will just vanished into thin air.

To do list.

Kim's MUST DO LIST
1) Book my driving test for my upcoming TP.
2) Do my projects researches and my part for the projects.
4) I have oral presentation for French on Monday. I have to practise it.
5) This week: I having project meetings on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
6) Do my tutorials.
7) A chatting session with one and a movie session with another next week.
8) Sunday, tanning session with ritz girls!!
9) Bring my handphone down to Sony Ericsson to service and have a software installation.
10) Find my handphone screen protector. Any one saw G900 screen protector around? =(
11) Do exam revision.
12) Meet another 2 friends. One for movie and dinner and another one for shopping and coffee.
13) I working on Friday and Saturday.
14) I want to work more! I want to have more income. So that I can spend it on my sweet escape, desserts and movies.
15) Heroes Season 3. Where are you? Anyone has them? I am desperate to watch them.

16) Most importantly thing to do, I need to focus on my studies.
Focus Focus Focus.

Clubbing session will wait till my exams over eh?
With the Ritz darlings, my clique and Roxanne. =)

Those who want to date me, let me know in advance eh?
Hahas..So that I can put you in my schedule. =)

Well, off to do my driving booking then my Hospitality, Resort and Leisure project research.
But off for dinner first.
Then prepare for school and work tomorrow.

I shall update more regularly..=)

Long long week.

Sunday: 22nd June 2008
I were supposed to go tanning with the Ritz girls. But it started raining and it was postponed once again. =(
The meeting time was 1.30pm and my darlings are all late! Hahas..
There were Sam, Serene, Sheralyn and Ivy; the arrangement was based on periodic arrival. Hahas..For Cherlyn, She went to Suki Sushi herself. She thought all of us were there already.

Hahas..Yea, I was broke yet I have Suki Sushi buffet with the girls. See..I always love my darlings! Hahas..We ate like we had been starved for a few days. Our order were a long long list.
The waiting time for our corn sushi, potato salad and cha soba was horrendenously long.
My god. Never eat their cha soba.
The sauce was tasteless.
The noodles were limp and no taste.
Since when did Kim says the food is not nice? Seldom right?
Therefore, when Kim commented on how horrible the food is, it is seriously unable to make it!

But the staffs were pretty poor thing. The queue was long and they had shortage of staffs.

After lunch, I went home to study for my upcoming tests. Horrible.
I had a long night studying for my PMS test and editing my Wiki website for tomorrow's presentation.
Slept about 3am.
Monday: 23rd June 2008
School at 9am.
PMS Quiz I didn't do well. I forgotten to study the textbook I bought. I forgotten it totally.
Haiz. I had back FMA test. I didn't fare well. Haiz.
Studied International Cross Culture. Test at 12pm.
I had to check and correcting my French written assignment.
Plus I have to do my other French assignment. =(
Have to submit both tommorrow.
Haiz.
I slept late again. Slept about 3am.

Tuesday:24th June 2008
School at 10am. Dad gave me a ride to school. I am fucking tired.
Lucky there isn't much French lesson, I managed to study for the test.
Talking to Diane distracted me. Hahas..But I really do enjoyed talking to her.

After school, I went and met up with an old friend.
He was supposed to go for his BTT trial. But he assumed he was smart enough to skip it and don't believed old ginger(me) that there is a certain quota to hit.
Well, meeting him, I had free milk tea. Hahas.. It has been so long since we last talked casually.
I was a little guilty. I was late for dinner and I have to leave early. Hahas..Sorry dude.

After the chat up, I went to amkhub to catch movie with Pei and Syl.
We were supposed to watch 7.30pm show but ended up we bought the tickets late. The girls had dinner at New York New York while I do my ESSR tutorial. Hahas.
After that, we went NTUC and shopped for tidbits!
We watched Penelope.
It was a nice movie.
Magically and sweet. =)

Just that I had a irritating group of people sitting behind me.
I had a guy with his leg sticking in between Pei and my seat.
And the guy who sat behind me, have been kicking my seat. I nearly screamed at him.
But I managed to tolerate it. =)

Well, I was really exhausted and wanted to go home after school. But I don't want to miss those activities I can have with friends.
Once I'm home, wash up, online awhile and sleep.
For a long long time about 3 weeks, I have nt been sleeping early.
1 am was early for me.
Compare to my 3am to 4am every night.

Wednesday: 25th June 2008
I didn't want to get out of my bed.
Lesson at 9am.
I want to sleep a little longer.
At 8.50am, I am still at my house bus stop.
I took advantage of the 10minutes grace and manage to reach school about 9.17am.
Eugene Pang's lesson is always enriching and chim..hahas..
Looking at his handsome figure also make studying easier. Plus his humour. =)

I accompanied Shu Hui to wait for her boyfriend after school and I head home.
I am exhausted.
I just slept on the bed.
I woke up at 7pm, had dinner and watched tv.

I wanted to study but my mind couldn't focus.
Grrr..maybe it was the exhaustion or I didn't have the urgency.
I was chatting online and watching tv. =X

I managed to study about 12am plus to 4am.
Tired.
Went to bed.

Thursday:26th June 2008
Today, the alarm rang twice.
Mum woke me up once.
Maid woke me up the second time.
I am tired.

During lecture sat next to Shu Hui made me can't focused.
Hahas..been talking to her. =X

Lesson ended at 12pm and test at 5pm.
Shuhui went home to accompany her dog. MJ went to find her friends.
Syl, Pei and I had lunch at South canteen.
Hahas.. I was like waving non stop.
I saw so many of my friends!!
I saw Melissa, Angie, Qing, Rachel, De Wei and Daniel.
Hahas.. should be that much?
Hahas.. Happy happy. I love bumping into my friends.

After lunch, we head to library room to study.
We had a group discussion and remembering the Marketing Hospitality test points were much better..=)

Marketing Hospitality test was bad.
I don't understand the questions and I just try my best to ans them. =X
*pray hard that I'll pass all my 3tests*

French oral on monday. =(

Tanned!

I watched with my movie khaki, Des yesterday. It was much funnier and better than Kung Fu Panda. (Ps: Leon, if you are reading, you really should watch Zohan, trust me.) hahas..
There is this green dress/top I saw at Forever21 that I like alot. I wanted to get it but Des asked me not to and it stayed in my mind through out the movie. Hahas..But I bought it today. =)
Well, I'm going down to Marina Square TopShop tommorrow to buy that bag I like. Hahas..I don't need a sugar daddy, but a sweet dad. =)
Sometimes i don't know what is he thinking. He is being nice or nasty at times. =X But I still love him very much! =D
I went tanning with Roxanne today. Since we graduated from secondary school we always wanted to go out but we finally made it today. Hahas..We thought the weather wasn't good as it is raining yesterday plus it looked gloomy at yishun but we still proceed to Sentosa. But the sun was good!! Good sunny sun.

We were chatting with good scenery and sights around.
We did some tanning on the beach and proceed to CafeDelmar after that. It was a good decision. Cooling drinks, good comfort and great company. Interesting sights of transvasitves. One of them even exposed her nipples like nobody business. Maybe he is pretty desprate to be noticed.
But nevertheless, we still enjoy ourselves at the seats and the pool..snapping pictures away with her waterproof camera. =D
The date was great, she treated me lunch, we took loads of pictures, gossipped, chatted, laughed, and we got tanned. =)

AND I bought that green top/dress from Forever21. =D

Loads of photos are with her and I shall upload them soon after she sent me.
Thanks darling. I had a good day today. It was such an enojoyable day. Do take care eh?Loves!!

After Tanning.

Tasty lunch!

Next Sentosa Tanning Session this sunday with Ritz Darlings. Looking Forward ! =D

Studying? Studying.

Yesterday, I was meeting Peiling at Ang Mo Kio to go down to Cineleisure to catch Kung Fu Panda. Guess what? We saw Min Jia on the saw train at the same cabin. Hahas..There is such coincidences eh?
We had our dinner at Xing Wang Cafe. The baked rice wasn't that nice. The plates were hot but the rice and meat taste cold. Kung Fu Panda wasn't that nice and funny as I expected. Maybe high expectation lead to high disappointment?
Lucky Peiling company was good. Gossiping as usual. =)

I took the bus home from my favourite bus driver. When it was approaching my place I went to have a chat with him and he asked, " Your boyfriend didn't send you home recently?" Hahas..I told him that I'm single now and he tell me, it's ok, there is many "cars" out there.

I had my FIRST meal outside alone. I was waiting for Sandy today at Thomson Plaza. But I was really hungry so I went to Pizza Hut and ordered my food. If those who knows me, they should know I have this phobia of eating alone. But this time, I have my novel to keep me company. I had the food at my own sweet time and savouring them alone isn't that scary after all.

Studying at the Starbucks there always "give" me the mood to study.
I am done with my French written assignment and part of my oral presentation is done.
I did some understanding for Marketing Hospitality and did some notes for it.
But life isn't that easy.

Monday: Wiki presentation and PMS quiz.
Tuesday: International Cross Culture ICA.
Thursday: Marketing ICA.

My cheeks are feeling hot. Hope I don't get sick. Loads of work is waiting for me to do. =(

old buddy

Well, today I wanted to do my tutorials and projects researches since I can't really go out today.
But, the modem was damn irritating. It only works now. I can't accessed the internet at all during the day.

Johnson called me today, asked me out for belated birthday dinner. It was about 7.15pm. I was thinking. Should I go? But my internet was down and there wasn't dinner so I agreed.

It has been so long since I last went out with him la. He is always busy with his hockey and floorball. Never have sufficient time for himself.

We had Sushi Tei at Thomson Plaza. He was so excited eating there. Hahas..He already planned what he want to order before I arrived. Maybe having him workingthere makes his recommendation good?
Hahas..we had like golden roll, huge steam boat, the beef roll with mushroom, fried tofu, fried squid, grilled scallops with mayo, chocolate waffle ice cream, green tea.
Hahas..the server actually questioned our ability to finish the food. We were damn full. When we were ask to have our last order, he even order jumbo yakitori. Hahas..in the end we need to have it take away. BLOATED.
Total bill : $73.

Hahas..so damn expensive after the discount. =X We really eat a lot sial.
After eating, we went to starbucks and slack with coffee. =)
Hahas..He idiot sial, I was supposed to leave at 10pm, he didn't tell me wanna to chat more with me. Buddy, there is always next time. =)

Seriously, I enjoyed talking to him. I laughed out loud like nobody. It has been so long since I laughed out so loud and happily..Hahas.. Those incidents he told me were so funny la.

This good buddy of mine that I have know for since secondary 1.
Now, I'm already 19. I have known him for 6years.
But seeing him everytime makes me relax and able to relate my life to him easily.
John, my friend, good luck on your on coming tournament.. let me know when is the finals and I'll go support eh? hahas..In the meantime, I shall wait for your next free day and we shall hang out again..=)

post mortem

Though the celebration was great last night but the closure wasn't that good.

I went to school to do project today.
They realised the different me and all of them were a little lost for awhile.
Hahas..well, too much to conceal sometimes eh?

Well, the girls were sweet and I think they were jealous that I lost some weight because they bought 5 slices of different kind of cakes for me to eat.
2 chocolate cake, 1 black forest, 1 strawberry short cake and 1 fruit cake.

I realised a lot of people know I love fruits cake eh?hahas..

Didn't manage to do much for the project.. Too much to do and we don't know what we can start with eh?

Brother picked me up from school today. He was guiding me how to drive the right way.
Hahas..he knows the rules well that he like to play with it.
Today dinner was good.
It has been so long I ate this full and this much.
White fish mee hoon, prawns, fried meat roll, vege, fish head, big head(shell meat), satay and chicken wings for 5 pax. Hahas..god damn full.
It was at my family usual dinning place. Brother paid the bill and send us home.
Yea, at dinner I was quiet. Nothing much to say. But life goes on..=)

Pictures of my birthday will be posted up soon eh..soon..=)

11th of June

yesterday celebration was great.
I was told to meet at city hall but no one was there. A stranger came out to me and gave me 3roses. When I asked her about my friends she said she doesn't know and I had to follow the card to find my other 6 roses.

The second stop was at city link concierge opposite New York New York. Hahas..The lady wished me happy birthday when they passed me the 5 other roses to me.
The last rose was "somewhere above" the marina square atrium. There is no way I can find it. While, it was shifted somewhere out of place. I managed to call Cherlyn and found the rest was already at Pizza Hut.

It has been so long I last had such a huge group outing.There is Cherlyn, Serene, VK, Ivy, Kian Pong, Sherelyn, Yun Tong, Lih Wee, Lian Yin, Samantha, Simon, Leonard, Leon, Wei Quan, Ash, Jie Wen, Wei Long Fabian, Audrey and Andrew. Shaik met us for the clubbing at night. Kelina was such a sweetheart came all the way just to give me the present.
We had dinner at Pizza Hut and they bought me mango cake from Jake's Place.Well, they know I love strawberries and mango so they got me mango cake with strawberries. =D So sweet of them.

Some of them didn't want to go club at night but ended up, everyone went. EVERYONE. All of them so on sial. Yun tong had to report camp in the next day's morning while Ivy and Simon actually don't like clubbing but all are very sporting people. =D
Interestingly, I saw Sharon's bestie, Kat at St James which is also Cherlyn bestie..hahas..the world is sure small. =)

Ivy, Serene, Sherelyn and Cherlyn..We will go dancing again eh? Hahas.. I love dancing with you girls..Loves.

I enjoyed the company very much. Thanks for making this birthday such a memorable one.Thanks for the cap, perfume, watch, body foam, photo frame and 19 roses.

Peeps, thanks for being such a sweetheart to through the effort of what to buy for me and make it such a memorable birthday. Though I left the night early, I hope everyone had enjoyed themselves. LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!

*Girl, I know you are having a hard time going through what it is now.. no matter what, I have been through what you been through too. No matter what, I'll be there for you like how you are there for me eh?*

Tuesday with Morrie on my birthday.

Well, I don't know why, but I'm not really keen on celebrating my birthday this year. It could be with issues around or maybe I don't want to expect anything that will lead to disappointment. =)

Well, I'm awake even before 12pm today.
I don't know why, but I have this urged to read this book.
Tuesday with Morrie.
The title just struck my mind the other day I'm at the library.
A book I went through the effort to find.

This book has philosophy which I love and has elderly people that makes me wanna cry.
Morrie, a sociology professor that reunited with his favourite student 16years later after his graduation. The reason for their reunion is because he is dying slowly.
It is a true story. An inspirational and enlightenment one.

The moment I woke up today, I curled on the bed reading it. After wash up, I was reading it while eating and I continued reading it in bed.
The more I read, the lesser I am keen to read on.
Reading about the process of someone healthy to bed ridden and to death isn't easy.
It has been long since I cried much while reading.
I hate death. I don't like the idea of people dying in books or movies.

If my death is upon me, I hope it gives me time to bid goodbye to my love ones.
Give me time to do things that I always want to but blindly believe they can wait.
Give me another chance to correct my mistakes.
Give me time to have people still remember me if i'm gone.
Give me a little more time to make myself useful for one last time.
And not just taken away by god suddenly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I learnt something from the book.

A few rules to be true about love and marriage:

If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.

If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.

If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you are gonna have a lot of trouble.

And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.

Your values must be alike.

Love each other or perish.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, look around you.

Slow down and be attentive to those who you are in conversation with.

Give them the full attention they deserved.

It looks like everyone is sleepwalking and going after what they feel that they should be chasing.

But is that what they really want in life?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops - Henry Adams
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that Morrie influenced me. I hope I can spread his teaching a little further from here.

No worries people, you are still reading a 19th year old lady's blog.
I may be just a little more sentimental because my parents forgotten my birthday?
Hahas..so what it is a birthday? So what if they were crying with joy today 19 years ago that I was born?
It is just an ordinary day I mentioned before.
I should be contented eh? At least I have the book to celebrate my birthday with me before my meet my friends in the evening..

sign off.
Kim
In life be contented therefore there will be minimal disappointment.

birthday

Well, this is going to be my third consective birthday being single.
But I'm glad every single one of them was celebrated with friends who make such an effort to have them special for me.
Thanks for making them special to me though it was just a normal day. =)

Making out the missing posts.

Friday
I watched a great movie. Finally, I'm able to loosen myself from all those tight schedule and tests.

Saturday
I was working again. I meet Serene before work, we ate at Ritz because she said it has been awhile she has been eating at the canteen and she claimed the food was delicious that day..hahas..maybe the chef has better mood during weekends eh?

I feel guilty. The event was Indian Wedding. I didn't really managed to do much over at my group today. I was stuck doing usher even when the event started. The organisers was pretty inefficient. They have no one on the floor to ensure the correct seating was done and everyone seat is taken by everyone else. The speech was done and guests are still coming me.

When I'm resumed back to my group, there was this long stopage when speeches and performance are progressing. So I didn't managed to do much..Only able to do some clearing when the stopage was over.

Soon, I was out doing the dessert line.
Many guests that I have attended to, have been questioning my nationality and they managed to guess my nationality right.
Hmmm..It has been going on since cocktail session to dessert buffet.
Not one but like 4 or 5 people?
Hahas..so i asked managed to find out from them that, not the way I look or the way I speak but the way I serve is different from Singaporeans.
Singaporeans tend to be more formal and business like whereas I'm more friendly and attentive. =)
It was a good feeling to be praised once awhile by the guests eh? There was this one middle age Indian man after talking to me, wanted my number. =.=
I was taken aback and told him the staffs are not allow to give our contacts to them..hahas..=D

*I know something has been going around the workplace about my past. If there is doubt, you can clarify with me..but after clarifying with me and you still believe in what you hear rather then what I say then you have already made your own judgement but not knowing the truth.*

Sunday
Sorry Cherlyn, Ivy and Serene. We were supposed to go tanning but due to the release of Sony Ericsson's G900. I went to buy it. Thanks for being sweet enough to postponed the tanning session. =) *Loves*

Monday
Early birthday celebration with the girls was great. Lunch was horrible at the Korean shop at cineleisure, it;s the very first time I tasted horrible Korean cuisine. yucks!
Then we headed down to Cafe Delmar. Their screaming orgasm is not nice. It is not ice blended at all. Zouk's drink was much better. It was a good bonding session for the clique. =)

Girls, thanks for your effort for planning this celebration plus the wallet and belt that you all bought for me. I like them..=)
Thanks girls..loves you girls to bits.. =)

Falling in love again.

AH!
The gang are dancing and drinking the night away. I wanna to be there too. But on a schooling day, I can't be home late if nt I'll die la..=X
Hope you guys are enjoying and will enjoy more on Wednesday!! =)

Today is my last test before the holiday.
It has been so long since I give myself a break.
Giving my time to my friends and to studies.
It exhausted me.

But I have a date today.
A date with myself.
After lunch with the girls at Mosburger, I head to AMK library alone.
It has been long since I indulged myself in reading. I grabbed like 10books. =X
But the maximum I can borrowed was 8 so I ended up reading 4 in the library and borrowed 5 home. =D
I bought vanilla ice blended to end off the great date. But the drink is no longer as nice as it used to be..=(
I heard coffee bean has nice vanilla ice blended..I'll try it next time..=D

I'm in love with being single now. I'm pretty set not to let anyone else to come in between me and myself..=) Not for a long time at the moment.
Hahas..psst..I'm in love with starbucks vanilla latte too.

Ahhh..I'll be very very busy for this coming holiday.
Project meetings for 3 to 4 modules and my 2 french assignment to be handed up after holiday.
I want to date my lovable friends.
Doing some celebrations here and there.
I want to earn some cash for my red Sony Ericsson G900.
Anyone knows is it out in the market already?!
Awww..the phone that I go gaa gaa for..=X

I miss receiving roses..aww...looking at su ann's friendster makes me envy.

Busy days.

Monday:
Syl, Min Jia, Shu Hui and I celebrated Peiling's 18th Birthday.
Happy birthday girl. =)

We had a hair cut after school, the three of us, Syl, Pei and I.
Hahas..finally I have something alittle different from my usual look.=)

After that we had Sakae buffet at Bishan and Pei left for school.
She seemed alittle upset leaving us, maybe because most of the plans is not excuted, the Mustafa and watching Sex and the City.

But the ending is sweet.
We surprised her by going back to school at night with cupcakes for birthday cake.
Hehehe..we are so sweet that she teared.

No worries darling, there is another celebration coming up eh? =)

Tuesday:
Today was Essential Retail Studies test. After school I went to Thomson Plaza Starbucks to study with Df. The environment suit my study enivronment plus they have Vallina Latte.
I have my craving satisfied. =D
I even had Oreo Cheesecake. My god, they oreo cheesecake is as good. =)
Thanks for your company. =)
I was totally exhausted when I'm home.
For a long time I had slept early at 10.30pm.

Wednesday:
Did the last minute study before test.
Took a nap once I'm home.
Now I have to study for Hospitality, Resort and Leisure Industry. The last test of the week.
Wish me luck people. =)

*Cherlyn, thanks for planning and organizing the plans for me..Love you babe =)*

Born with it.

I think, I am born with it.
Childhood has never been the same as any other kid.
I never had a barbie doll nor a toy I call mine.
Sadly to say, my bro had an expensive shoes while not me.
He had sega games, ps2, disc man which I never had one.
He had ninja turtle and power ranger toys that I never had.
Maybe because I have a sister, I should have things passed down to me.
I only had babe the pig toy from dad when I was primary 2.
It was a free gift from the petrol station though.
But I still have it with me.
He will never know how much I cherish it.

Children used to have childhood with playground, toys and happy meal.
The childhood I always envy others.
While, I had to be helping out with dad's biz since primary school.
It is a duty to do it as his children.
Things have been happening when I was in primary 5 and 6.
It continued in sec 1 and 2.
I will never forget those "incidents" that scared to me to tears and drive me to study crazily.
I was given cash to go and buy my own birthday cake and collect it myself.

I love you, I really do.
But you all will never know how much I love and wish to talk to you.
I cherish you with all my heart that you will never know.
There was times you pampered me
The sailormoon bag and clothes.
The power ranger sticker book.
The very 1st strawberry ice cream you bought for me from Andersen Ice Cream from Marina Square.
That is when I fall in love with strawberry ice cream.
The support I received when I get my O level results.
The rewards both of you gave me with good results.
The support and encouragement I get when I switched course.
The thoughts that mom remember my birthday.
The only kisses I get from you two on the Christmas 2 years ago.
The HK school trip and shopping spree you gave me.
The reluctance but giving from you when you know that I'm attached.
The hugs I get from both of you when I break up.
The reluctant driving lessons you paid.

You did so much for me..I do love you two.
But I don't know how I ever tell you that.
Though I have been quiet and less interactive and more rebellious towards you.
And I do know that you love me just that you don't express it.
I don't know how to manage myself anymore.
I don't know how can I live up to your expectations anymore.
I'm losing myself. I don't know who am I, what am I anymore.

Let it out.

I worked on sunday.
I put up a happy fascade that I have been fine and happy.

It was great I think.
Work till 3am, with my head spinning due to the insufficient sleep the entire week made me fall asleep easily.

It has been a problem all the while. Once again, on Sunday, this problem surface again. Since I was born, expectation was built onto me. The definitions and expectations of how your children will be is always within your perspectives. I have always been expected to be the obedient one out of the 3. I have to be the one who excel in studies, who have to help out in the family business. I know it has always been helping out in the family business = filial piety to you all. I have to study, unlike your perfect little filial son that has been always helping out at home have nothing else to do othe than serving his NS.
For goodness sake. I have a rough time these few weeks.
Emotionally and physically.
Now that I have 3 tests coming but to you all, just that helping out at home is important, that I ain't contributing much into the family.
But have you ever spare a thought how hard is it to study in Singapore? Have you ever wonder what have I been busy doing? Have you ever wonder have I recovered from those pain I suffered? Have you ever wonder why did I want to work?
It is because getting money from you it is like cutting your flesh.
Even though, I'm fucking drained from school, you all don't even bothered.
I have so much so much things on hands that I have to do.

You tell me that I'm stubborn, not willing to listen to your remarks. I had explained to you the situation many times, so many times. I proved to you and you just feel that I'm a bad daughter, am I the stubborn one or you are?
There is never a single solution to a problem.
There is never the correct one, but people just tend to do their own judgement and pass it as the "correct solution".
But is the "correct decision" is the best choice?
I don't think they ever know because their only think they are always right.

If I can do it, I'll do it if it is within my capabilities. But everyone has their own commitments too. You have your business to take care of while I do have my studies to concentrate on. Sometimes you treat me nice, sometimes you treat me bad, I no longer know who am I to you. A stranger with blood relation perharps? I know I am a dumb dumb, not listening to your advice and found loads of problems to myself.
I am thankful that you have always been supportive with my decisions and have always been there when I fall and hurt myself.

I used to love the attention from you, I used to enjoy talking to you.
But things changes slowly without signs.
I no longer know how can I communicate to you.
I no longer feel like a daughter to you.
I just want to run away and hide.
I just want to disappear and no one hears my scream.
Things change so fast that I lost track.
I no longer know myself, I no longer know who am I.


So what my birthday is coming?
It is a insignificant date to everyone else.